ME!!!!!!

I should be on my way to work but had some thoughts I needed to put on paper. I watched Oprah the other day and It was about putting yourself back on the list--------I have not felt well since October. Before that I was feeling great-----so I really don't know what transpired that sent me on a downward spiral. I just know for the greater part of my life it has been about what would make someone else happy or make life easier for them----never mind what toll it took on me. I thought I had found the answer when I went to nurse practitioner school. A big part of that program was about how to value yourself and it gave me the courage to face whatever issues that came along and there were issues with Dad about going back to school and neglecting the family -----with the general medical community in pioneering such a new concept as a Nurse doing many of the "Mickey Mouse" things that Doctors had done for years. Now it is much more than that. I have really sabotaged myself for years now into putting everyone else first and allowing myself to be----No! that is not true---I have not even allowed that. The question is "Am I feeling bad because I have devalued myself as a person or am I devaluing myself and that is causing me to approach life in a negative way?" I had never felt OLD until well into Dad's illness-----watching him disappear was extremely difficult to begin with---in the back of my mind Dad was indestructible and never in my wildest dreams did I think I would ever see His name on the electric gate sign telling others when his services would be or that I would be sitting with Annie at his bed side watching him taking his last breath and changing appearance from a tired demented old man to the handsome man I had so much admired for his strength of character--his daring-do ways, his tenets and creed and for what he taught me and most of all his courage to stand up for what he believed I do so appreciate both of you in that you are like friends who listen and neither of you has said to me get over it and move on .God!! how I appreciate that. I have accomplished so much in my lifetime there is great thought in ----to what? I'm in my eighties. I have no energy to take on a new relationship.Dad was bigger than life to me and sometimes when I just looked at him I felt like a kid looking in a huge department store window at Christmastime.-----completely awestruck as I was the first time I laid eyes on him-----he ruled and there were times when his behavior made me just want to do him in and tell God he died but that was the behavior and not the person. SOOOOO now I really must find my way back from the loss of beautiful vivacious Patti, my accomplished son Michael who tried so hard to please his Dad but never quite got there and Dad.------Those losses have had such an impact on my tender and loving soul----but I know in my heart if I just set my mind not on the losses but what I have left to ponder over-----I will be OK. Now I really must be on my way. I truly feel that my blessing s are many and the good Lord dwells within me and has given me the strength to get through some really tough times in my remarkable life and he will continue to do so. Thanks again for being there. I love you guys MOMXXOO