Personal changes.

Good morning my beauties----It's a little chilly out here on the back porch but that's where the computer is and I choose to be. I was lying in my warm bed a bit ago, thinking (that's what the racket was) about the changes that have come about in me since Dad died. I finally admitted to myself that I have become a coward------your Dad kept me on my toes and challenged me which was goood for me as that's how I was raised. Always trying to be good enough to get approval, not so much from myself but from the one that happened to be managing my life at the time-----primarily BIG MAMA and then your dad Terri, you told me that I was having a hard time because I didn't know who I was and you are absolutely right. I have had very little time in my life to figure out or be by myself alone with my thoughts Things have almost always been about "somebody else ". A lot of that is good but now that I no longer have that I finally realize that I must fill that void------I have lots of acquaintances and working colleges and patients who respect and admire me but they steer clear of me as one of them told me once when we were golfing that most of the younger women were "sort of in awe of me because of who I was and what I had accomplished ". That seemed like a bunch of BS as I don't see myself as anybody special. I know I have done a lot of special things,which I intend to get on paper but to me it was just that the sun came up and life happened, the sun went down and life also happened. I was presented with amazing opportunities and with the help of God managed to take advantage of that. Soooooo I am going to have to take a good hot shower and wash the yellow streak off my back and figure out a way to be comfortable in my own skin without somebody daring me to be something other than a sweet little girl from West Texas who is Happy to see a magnificent sunset or hear a newborn baby cry and hold it to her breast to nourish It. Dad is out here with me ----every now and then I hear a strange noise and sense he is standing behind me reading this letter and wondering "What the Hell is she talking about". There are times when I feel he has just given me a soft tender kiss like he used to do when he was feeling a special deep love for me in his heart and not just in his pants There are different kisses you know. .I need to get dressed and go to work and watch those who are younger than me struggling with devastating illness, mental and physical. Then I will also thank God for my family, my life and all the other blessings he has bestowed on me throughout the 80 plus years I have been on this earth and was blown in here along with 13 windmills in a sandstorm that happens only in West Texas------That's what Mother told me as she didn't want me to know what you do to make a baby. But then I met this fast talking Yankee who told me all about it and showed me all about how beautiful life can be and between us that was probably the best part. I'm o.k. and hope this is not too much for you guys on a glorious Saturday morning to get such a letter from me. I'm going in and fix some fresh coffee---a cup for me and a cup for dad. He really enjoyed a good cup of coffee. There were times he would fix some himself and bring me a cup in bed. So much for now-----I'm going in to get ready for work and resist the temptation to crawl back under the warm covers and watch movies all day long. I love you guys and thanks for being there for me. Terr, I guess I should have put this on my blog but I really didn't know how . I will get with you next week and you can talk me through it or maybe you can forward it. God Bless you both MOMXXOO.

Printer

Hi Terri--Got your Blog . Thanks, it is really great and gives me some good ideas. Followed your advice and now the printer is up and running and I can put together a little album memento for Pat and Jimmy. Also for Kaye and Ann as I have pictures they don't have. Thanks so much for your help. What a great picture of Dad---Thank you it helped----all day long I have just wanted to crawl back into bed----but now I am going to throw a couple of Lemon cakes in the oven and let them cook while I play with the computer---Dad loved a slice of lemon cake with the peaches I had put up in the season and a dollop of Cool-Whip on top. He was a man of simple pleasures,Rum and coca cola , beautiful and meaningful lovemaking and good food-----Probably in that order. I was a willing student while he patiently and for the most part calmly went about teaching me what he wanted me to know. He taught me how to be strong in the face of adversity as did my Mother and between the two of them I have been able to survive the good and bad of a most interesting life. I thank God every morning for my blessings and for blessing me so. So much for now---I am multitasking as usual. I am so glad you are over the" Mal de Mer". Until next time my beautiful and great-hearted daughter---I love you MomXXOO